"Bhagavan, Nannagaru are one" - (By Satish Garu)

I was 11 years old when my mother took me and my sister to meet Nannagaru. Nannagaru gave me a mantra (holy name of the lord to chant all the time). When I was given the mantra, I had no idea about its importance or for that matter even the importance of the Guru in our lives. Later, though I did attend some of the discourses, I never understood them.

One word is enough; one look is enough; one touch is enough.

Somewhere between 2004-2005, during my degree second-year exams, my mother asked me to come over to the discourse location after my exam. It was pouring cats and dogs that day. I had no inclination to attend in the first place, and with the weather so bad, I just wanted to go home, instead of attending the discourse. Somehow, I managed to reach Palakollu, totally drenched in that rain. Palakollu kshatriya kalyana mantapam was the discourse location. I sat there quite away from the stage and listened for about 2 hours. But being totally drenched and the air conditioning in the hall made me feel feverish. After the speech, Nannagaru went to a doctor’s house nearby. I followed and offered my salutations as he was entering their house, at the door itself. Then Nannagaru quoted Bhagavan and said, “We think we have offered salutations to the Guru. But before we do so, the Guru in our heart has already offered us salutations. It is only then that we get the intention of offering salutations to him.” I remember that day very clearly even now. I sat near Nannagaru. I was already shaking with a fever. He just touched me. As soon as he touched me, my fever and trembling vanished. I felt a strange new excitement spreading all over my body. Now, as I recollect this experience I can feel what Nannagaru always said, "The Guru’s one word, one look and one touch is enough". Now, I understand what that experience really is. After this, I started listening to Nannagaru’s cassettes. I was able to understand them too. I felt I learned a lot of new things. Though I listened to everything with interest, I felt happier when Bhagavan’s subject came up. Soon during any speech, I realized that I was paying more attention to Bhagavan’s subject. I felt that I had some kind of unknown bond with Bhagavan.

My first visit to Arunachalam with Nannagaru

I went to Arunachalam with Nannagaru in 2009. There I felt the bond with Nannagaru getting deeper. Also, I had many divine experiences with the Giri (the sacred mountain of Arunachala). After this, I began to understand the discourse given by Nannagaru very easily. I was able to understand self-inquiry and also to practice it. For about 2 years thereafter, I was on the path of devotion. Call it deep love or call it previous birth’s inclination, I had a very deep connection with Arunachala. Even if anyone mentioned Arunachala, I would feel deeply touched and felt intense pangs of separation. The devotion was intense and I felt that life was nothing without devotion. In Arunachala, wherever I may roam about, I felt the grace touching me. It was so sweet that I felt no need for self-inquiry or Jnana itself. What else does one need other than this? I felt. I could not hold myself from visiting Arunachala again and again. If anyone mentions Arunachala, my heart would be filled with happiness. In this way, 2 years passed by. Meantime, I had a strange problem. I could not talk to Nannagaru directly. I had a strange fear of expressing anything to him directly. If ever I wanted to ask him something, it was always through someone else. Even in Jinnuru, I would stand by the stairs to offer salutations. I would tremble to speak to him. Not out of fear, but I felt that I needed to possess some kind of humility and obedience in my behavior.

Arunachala is my permanent residence; my letter to Nannagaru

I always felt a strong urge to go to Arunachala. I wanted to settle in Arunachala permanently. Once, when I felt a deep longing to move to Arunachala, I wrote a letter to Nannagaru expressing my desire. “Nannagaru! I feel I have a deep connection with Arunachala. I do not feel like living among these people and this environment. Sri Ramakrishna says that vultures lookout for carcasses on earth even as they soar high in the sky. Similarly, when I am here, my mind seems to look at the worldly things, despite the effulgent Brahman being right here in the heart. Living amongst worldly people, I too may become worldly. I shall live in Arunachala as I do here. Why should I lose the chance of being so peaceful? I wish to move to Arunachala.” Nannagaru looked at my letter and said. “Fine! But for this to happen 3 things are necessary: effort from oneself, destined time, and God’s grace.” He looked into my eyes and said, “Do not go often to Arunachala. You may go once a year, not more.” After that, the longing to move to Arunachala disappeared and I went to Arunachala only when Nannagaru was there.

All the beings in this world are the projections of Bhagavan alone!

In my 2011 visit to Arunachala, I was particularly attracted to some words in Nannagaru’s discourse and that was to work without doer-ship. As Nannagaru went towards his room, I, amongst the others, stood near the stairs. As I kept looking at him, I felt that we could do work without doer-ship only by his grace. His gaze shifted towards me, he pressed hard on my shoulder and tapped thrice and then he smiled. This smile seemed different from the usual. I left for Ramanashramam. It must be around 6 pm, Saturday evening and Parayana had started. Normally I do not have the habit of sitting in a place for meditation. But that day as I sat in the hall, my eyes closed and I slowly drifted into a meditative state, without my conscious effort. I could hear Ramana sadguru song being sung, but my mind was sinking into an unworldly peace. As the unworldly peace and bliss-filled the heart, tears rolled down, but I could not open my eyes. As the prayer session came to an end, I opened my eyes with great difficulty. All the devotees in the hall looked like projections of Bhagavan. He made it clear that he alone is. I cannot describe the peace and bliss I experienced in words. This whole world could not have been more beautiful I felt. I felt I could not describe that beauty either. I was in that grace for quite some time. Can one experience such great peace and bliss, I wondered!

Bhagavan’s blessings will always be with you

The next day, I wrote my experience on paper and gave it to Nannagaru. Then he said, “Bhagavan’s blessings will always be with you. Bhagavan’s blessings will always be there to help you understand the subject properly.” This sentence alone would suffice for this lifetime, I felt.

"Our Nanna's guidance in every step" - (By Satish Garu)

The golden moments spent in Nannagaru's presence

Physically, I have had to go through a lot of hardships; Hardships in the profession, financial hardships, and so on. Despite the hardship, being with Nannagaru in this period of 15 years kept me peaceful in the heart. When in Jinnuru, I was distraught many times in his presence. He would ask me to sit resting against the pillar and that he would speak to me later. He would wait till my mind cooled down and only then he would talk to me. Later, I went to Kuwait for job purpose. But due to some visa problems, I had to come back. The very next day, I went to Arunachalam. Usha Akka (Dr. Usha) reported to Nannagaru that I had to return from Kuwait due to a visa problem. He started talking about the royals of Kuwait as though he was not bothered by what happened to me there. I found his response very surprising. I understood later that though the circumstances seem important to us, to the Jnani it is just a play.

After returning from Kuwait, I was jobless for a year. Every alternate day, I used to visit Nannagaru in Jinnuru. I started feeling intimate with Nannagaru. The peace in the heart was fine, but I had to do some work to earn a living too. I expressed this to Usha Akka. She said to me, “Satish! This is a golden period in your life. You are free now and making the best use of your time. You may become very busy later in life and not be able to come to Jinnuru as frequently.” It is exactly because of this free time that I was able to stay by his side during the last 15 days before his physical departure. Had I been in Kuwait, this would have never been possible!

During the last days, when Nannagaru was confined to bed, I stayed there even at night time. On one particular day, Nannagaru was moaning in pain all night. He had not slept even for half an hour. In that state, I did not expect that he would recognize me. I was sitting by his side. He asked me, “Is the Satsang in Malkipuram going on smoothly?” For a year before this, I had started going every Saturday from Bheemavaram to Malkipuram for conducting the Satsang. Once Nannagaru’s health started deteriorating, I started going to Jinnuru every day, thereby Satsang was not conducted. Even when he was so unwell, he asked about the Satsang. When I told him that I was coming to Jinnuru instead, he said, “If it wasn’t possible for you, you should have asked Amalapuram Master Garu to conduct the Satsang. Isn’t it?” It surprised me that he pinpointed and asked me about the Satsang in that state of health. That gave me an insight into the importance of Satsang. 4-5 months after Nannagaru left the physical frame, I moved to Malkipuram as I started a business there. Satsang in Malkipuram is going on very well. Not only in regularity, but also the subject we are discussing. We are able to feel grace in all aspects.

Giving up me and mine sense is real renunciation (tyaga)

Nannagaru used to attend some school functions of Saraswati Sishu Mandir of Lakkavaram. He also gave donations regularly to this school as they taught the children with great interest. The school children were also taught Ramayana and Mahabharata. I too had my primary education in this school. This helped me in my spiritual understanding and progress. I liked Shirdi Saibaba a lot. I used to feel the want of a Guru of that kind, so that I may offer my services. Even as a child, I used to feel that I must offer my services to great souls. I feel Nannagaru gave me this opportunity of serving him in his last days because of my strong desire. After this, my mind stopped going outward (extrovert). As I was getting all the guidance from inside, I never felt any disturbance in my spirituality. After Nannagaru left his mortal frame, his presence has become even more evident. I can see Nannagaru in all devotees. In fact, it began to feel that all jivas are his projections. And I no more felt the need to visit Jinnuru. I had a strong urge to visit him every fortnight previously. Now, I do not miss Jinnuru.

What I have understood is that what Nannagaru referred to as tyaga (renunciation) is not leaving something of ours, but leaving the very sense of me and mine. That means he is asking us to handover unto him, our very false existence. I think that is the greatest teaching.

He pulled me near and gave the closeness

The problem I faced, in the beginning, was that while Nannagaru made himself easily accessible by being in Jinnuru, so close to hometown; and made himself easily approachable as a father, I seemed to be more interested in Arunachalam, Bhagavan’s form and Bhagavan’s teaching felt like the best and ultimate teaching. Whenever I looked at devotees gathered in Jinnuru, I used to appreciate their devotion, attention, and interest in looking at Nannagaru’s form. One must possess a love for the Guru’s form too isn’t it? I had great respect for him but did not feel love towards him in my heart. How can I have love towards Bhagavan who cannot be seen now, and have no love towards Nannagaru whom I see daily, I wondered. I felt very bad about this. After 3-4 years, when I felt the closeness with Nannagaru, I understood that while the forms of Nannagaru and Bhagavan are different, the presence is the same. So, from then on I had no suffering in this issue.

I was able to grasp his silence. Sometimes, when I asked a doubt, he would answer looking into my eyes. No sooner he starts to talk, I would be swallowed by peace, not hear a thing but remain doubt free. Which means doubt would get erased and replaced by a higher state. Even without any kind of effort from our side, Nannagaru placed us in such an exalted state! Nannagaru always gave the example of Malayamaarutam (the cool breeze from Nilgiri hills). He always said that when such a cool breeze is blowing naturally, one does not need to use the hand-fan. Finally what I gathered is that all that ultimate knowledge that Bhagavan imparted, Nannagaru naturally got us habituated to it, without our knowledge.

Initially when I heard ‘You are not this body, you are not this mind’, I got scared. If I am not these two, then I must be something, and I do not know what that is I thought. I went through considerable suffering because of this. So, I have been living all these days without knowing who I really am? I wondered. As a child I used to think about where I came from; never believed in the existence of heaven and hell, despite being told about them. I never knew whom to ask then.

To place at his feet this ego and mind filled with its attributes is the real sadhana (effort). Once in Kashi, Nannagaru remarked, “I am doing great sadhana; so saying do not decorate your ego. Throw that ego away and then do the real sadhana.”

Finally, how can anyone describe Guru’s grace in words? When all that has happened, is happening and will happen is seen as his play, watching the whole universe as projections from him and let this ego dissolve in him alone, is what we can offer as Guru Dakshina (remuneration).